I have felt very emotional over the last few weeks. I had a healthy baby girl who is growing and melts my heart. At the same time I can't help but think of the baby I lost just a year ago. We drive thru the cemetery often and it brings a semblance of peace knowing I ache for something real. As Adalyn's one year birthday came and went I was sad and lonely. I was in Idaho without Josh and though I had a great time it is only him who I can share my grief entirely with. She was the little angel I don't get to see grow and get big. I want everyone to know about that first child of mine yet I don't want to open myself to all the questions and pity. I hoped to do so many things in honor of her this year. I read a book that the family had a little celebration each year on the birthday of the baby that had died. I so wanted to do that. I wanted to plant a huge flower garden full of pansies and petunias, but because I am recovering physically and financially from having a baby I didn't do that either.
All of these things I wanted to do seem somehow insignificant when I realize I made it. I made it thru the hardest year of my life. I recovered from losing a child. I still grieve and I can admit right now that I am crying while I type this. My grief goes on and yet I am still making it. I am not typically a share all but I felt compelled to write this and tell those around me my grief is minimal compared to the joy I find in knowing that Adalyn is eternally mine and one day I will be able to be with her again and watch her grow as I do my little baby now.
6 comments:
I love you Elise. If you want to do something to honor Adalyn's birthday you should do it. It will make you feel better. I would love to help you with it. Either way, Adalyn knows how much you miss her and how much you love her. Adalyn loves you guys so much, she sent Amelia to you to help heal your heart. Amelia will never take her place, she just helps dull the pain. In her own way, she is also a very special miracle. You have 2 beautiful daughters, 1 on earth to hold in your arms and 1 in heaven you hold in your heart.
Oh Elise, I am glad you shared those feelings! It allows those around you to know how you are doing and to be able to surround you with love! You should be proud you have made it, that is huge. Maybe other years you can do something to celebrate, I am sure that she knows your situation! *HUGS* Love ya girl!
Elise, I have been thinking about you almost every day this month. I have tried calling a few times, but I found out yesterday the reason my calls weren't going through is that I must not updated to your new number. I thought I had, but I may not have saved it properly because your phone and josh's number keep giving me a message. Deanne said yesterday that she could let me know your new numbers. I hope its okay if I call soon just to chat!
What a beautiful post, Elise. I cannot begin to imagine the struggle of losing a child. Isn't it such a blessing to have the knowledge of the plan of salvation? such a comfort in this life. you're amazing. just hug that little baby of yours twice as much. Your daughters BOTH know how much you love them!
I love u guys so much! I have also been thinking about
you! If you ever need to chat I am here! I can't wait to
see that little angel again!
I love my sweet Adalyn with all of the love a Grandma has in her heart, I too look forward to the day that we can again hold her in our arms, my heart aches as I realize the pain of our loss, but I rejoice in the knowledge of eternity and a loving Heavenly Father who will once again place our beautiful little Adalyn in your arms, hugs and kisses to you and to Josh, and to our sweet little Amelia
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